More of His Death in my Life

"And Jesus answered them [Philip and Andrew bringing Greeks to Jesus], saying, 'The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him'" John 12:23-26


God led me to set aside this past week to seriously pray and seek Him in regards to preparing for the interview conference and all that lies beyond it. It has been an amazing week in His presence, full of challenge, comfort, peace, fear, stripping, painful reality, gentle reminder of His nature, and the list could go on and on. But today, the last day that I specifically set aside, God brought me to the end...death. I just happened to pick up a book I've been reading and the chapter I was on was entitled, "More of His Death in my Life". Gee, thanks, God! It was based on the above passage where Jesus once again explains the serious commitment of following Him. Here are some words from Anne Graham Lotz, the author of this book (My Heart's Cry):

"I will tell you honestly from experience that crucifixion is a slow, painful death to your self. It is impossible for victims to crucify themselves. Crucifixion is the result of our decision to yield ourselves to God as He allows various pressures and problems and pain into our lives. These things are often a part of our lives anyway, but in the lives of God's children, they are not wasted. They are used to put us to death, that we might be raised to an abundant...victorious...blessed...fruitful...powerful...Christlike...Spirit-filled life" (pg. 63).

"The power in your life and mine that results in blessing is in direct proportion to the extent that you are willing to 'hate your life'--to die to...your own will, your own goals, your own dreams, your own desires, your own wants, your own plans, your own rights, your own reputation. It's what Jesus meant when He challenged His disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.' However, before you get too hung up on the cross, don't forget--after the cross comes the resurrection and the power and the glory and the crown! The writer to the Hebrews reveals that Jesus kept His focus on the joy of abundant blessing as He 'endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.' Because Jesus was willing to die, He was blessed by God with a position of power and authority as His right hand" (pg. 64-65).

Lord, I have to die. That's what you've brought me to at the end of this week. I have to die to my fantasies, my expectations, my dreams, my hopes, my plans, my timing, my desires, my rights, my reputation because your dreams, plans, timing, desires, and reputation are so much greater and more glorious! I choose to let you crucify my self because all I want is you. I don't want to add you to my life; I want you to be my life. I truly do want you to carry out your will for your glory. Whether that means you send me somewhere with Journeyman or you have some other plans for me, I submit to you. Even if it means sending me to Europe or Russia ;) I want more of your death in my life because that's what produces fruit, furthers your kingdom, and glorifies your name. That's what matters for eternity. I choose to lose my life. I lay down my family, my friends, my church, my community, my life in Riverside, my education, my finances, my comfort--everything I hold dearly as mine. It's all yours. Always has been. Always will be. My life is not my own. You bought me for a price, a costly price. You deserve so much more than my life, but that's all I have to give. Thank you that that's all you want. Take my life and let it be set apart to you for your glory.