- I wish I had God's vision. Vision to see the kingdom come. Vision to see His big picture. Vision to see how He's orchestrating absolutely everything to result in His glory. Right now, there's so much of what He's doing that I don't understand and even that I don't like, but if I only had His vision... Yet, He's given me only what I need to know at this moment in time--enough knowledge that places me completely dependent on Him, clinging to Him in absolute trust because I have no clue what He's doing.
- What if God calls me to be single for the rest of my life? Would I be okay with that for the sake of His kingdom? If He has planned my life to be used in greater capacity for His kingdom as a single person, would I willingly obey or would I drag my feet? Is my greater desire for His kingdom/name/glory or is my greater desire for a husband and a family and along with that, for my own selfish longings to be fulfilled?
- I feel like the line of work that I'm in contains building one deep relationship after another that only results in one painful goodbye after another. Why does it have to be that way? Investing in lives is SOOO amazing and SOOO worth it, but why does there have to be so much pain in the goodbyes on the other side? Right now, I'm facing many painful goodbyes up ahead. Right now, I'm just sad. Yes, I know all the truth about following Jesus where He leads us is the only way, about being His bondservant and not being my own, about having hope that we will all spend eternity together in heaven after this brief separation from each other on earth, etc., etc. But right now, I'm just plain sad as I look on the nearing horizon.
- I want to stop time and savor every moment. At the same time, part of me wants to just fast forward time and get the pain over with.
- I'm praying for God to break my heart for the lost. Right now, I'm just not broken. I don't love them like He does. But I want to! I want to so badly! I want to be burdened for the lost. I want to cry physical tears when I see those all around me who do not know the hope that we have in Christ. I want to be so broken that I can't have a conversation with anyone without talking about Jesus in some way. I want to be so broken that I spend far more time praying than I do on the computer or in a book or doing chores or whatever.
- I want to make every last moment count for eternity. I want to leave here knowing that all of my students have had the opportunity to hear the gospel. That work is far from over. God asked me earlier this week what my motivation was for wanting that. The answer wasn't pretty, but I'm praying that God continues to purify and change my heart to be about His business for His glory alone, not for my own sake or for anyone else's.
- Last one...God convicted me yesterday of trying to be too independent and not relying on my brothers and sisters that He has placed in my life. I've been trying to prove that all I need is Him and that I can survive and even thrive with only Him, but the reality is, He's made me part of a body, a body of believers, a body that has to work together in order to function properly. I cannot function well without the other parts of the body. He emphasized this lesson today by allowing me to talk to a woman who has mentored me and poured into me far more than she'll probably ever realize. Today was no different. After our conversation, in which she asked super intentional questions, I felt so refreshed and realized that this was exactly what God had been talking about. I need people pouring into me, especially as I'm pouring out to others. Thank you, God, for your lessons and your blessings.
Ok, so some of those DID turn into blog posts. Sorry bout that! But I guess I shouldn't say sorry because this is my blog and frankly, you didn't have to read all of it ;) I'm just trying to empty my brain sufficiently enough to sleep. We'll see how that goes...
Good night, world (or at least the eastern half of the world). Good morning to the rest of you.
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