Going Home

This last week several people have asked me if I'm going home for Christmas, if I'm excited about going home, when I'm going home, etc., and my response has always been reluctant, with a definite lack of joy, sadly. I want to be excited about going home. I do love my family so much and I do enjoy spending time with them. I just feel like I'm not me when I'm there. I feel like no one at home understands who I've become. They don't share the same views on life and the kingdom in many respects, and so I just feel like I can't bring a whole lot up that God has been doing in my life. At least these are all the "excuses" I've created in my head. But at the root of all of this is an ugly, prideful, spiritually arrogant attitude in my heart, as God revealed once again to me yesterday and this morning. My friend and I are reading Matthew together right now, and can I just say that I always dread reading chapters 5-7 because of the extreme conviction that sets in EVERY TIME?! Well, this morning was no different. Before I started reading chapter 5, I told God how much I dread reading these chapters but willingly laid myself in His hands to do what He wants. Well, the rest isn't so pretty....

Matt 5:3 (I didn't get very far!)-- "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." According to my Bible notes, being poor in spirit indicates a lack of spiritual arrogance, something that has become a well-developed fungus in my life. I am so sorry, God. During this season, we celebrate Christ's humility, which magnifies my lack of it even more. This spiritual arrogance becomes very apparent as I go home and find few who share my beliefs, passions, views about the church and the kingdom, etc. I then look at my family and church at home as "missing it", while I understand it all. Ha! That is so far from the truth! Why do I let Satan saturate my mind with those lies? I'm sorry for all whom I've hurt with this spiritual arrogance, especially my family. I'm sorry, God, for not being poor in spirit, for boasting in myself when it's you who's done all the work in me, for thinking I'm better than my brothers and sisters. You continually show me how short I fall of your glory; I am certainly no better than anyone else. Thank you for your faithfulness and patience. Continue working in me to change my attitude about going home. Consume me with your love for my family and church family.